gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
