I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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