he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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