I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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