how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
it glows. i had to have it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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