tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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