I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Randomize
