even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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