He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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