I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
