she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
