well I can't set my house on fire every night
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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