does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
