I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
