Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize
