What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
