I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
