You just made me feel so damn special
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
