You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We left the knife in your bed.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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