Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
