3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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