just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
