how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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