and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
