i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
