They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
