dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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