watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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