actually, I'm a sock model
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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