hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
