I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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