theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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