Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
