He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
