Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
