i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
