I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
