I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
