it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I have aggressive nipples.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
