Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
