Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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