I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Randomize
