I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
