Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
