The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
