you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
