We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
