Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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