God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
