I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
