I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You pole danced in your parka.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
